The Difference Between Courtship and Dating
Written by Mrs. Rebekah E.
Dating, as we know it today, can have some real problems. Often in dating relationships there is more infatuation than true love expressed. The idea behind dating is to find the right husband by accepting a date with this guy; and if he is not what you want, then you try someone else. If he does not work out, then you keep going out with different guys until you are comfortable that you have found the right one to marry. Then you only date that one and marry him. It wasn’t long after dating was introduced, that more marriages begin ending in divorce. It makes sense. As the emotional heart is drawn from one person to another in a dating relationship, so after marriage you may be tempted to look for someone else to satisfy you. Thus you will become unfaithful to your husband or end your marriage in divorce.
Courtship is allowing the parent or guardian to guide you in choosing a husband. It begins with the idea that this couple, with the approval of their parents or guardians, plans to get married unless the Lord intervenes. Courtship, I believe, is the Biblical approach to marriage. In I Corinthians 7:37-38, the father has the authority to keep his daughter as a virgin or to give her in marriage. In Genesis 18:19, the Lord said of Abraham (the father of the faithful), “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.” The Lord charged fathers to make sure that their children and grand-children not forget God and His mighty works (Psalm 78:4-8). What better way can they do that than to assist their children in choosing the right spouse who will help teach the next generation the works of God and His commandments.
Christian parents have the advantage over unsaved parents in that they have the Lord to guide them in assisting their children in finding the right spouse. Let us look at the pattern of courtship that the Lord gave us in Genesis 24 of Abraham choosing a wife for his son, Isaac. Abraham told the oldest servant of his house to promise not take a wife for Isaac from the daughters of Canaan, but to find a wife from Abraham’s own country and relatives. He told his servant that the Lord would send his angel before him. The Lord did indeed go before him and prepared the way. The servant prayed and asked the LORD to prosper him and have a young lady willingly give him and his camels a drink from the well. The Lord answered even before he had finished praying. Rebekah came and willingly gave Abraham’s servant a drink. Then she offered to give his camels drink as well. That was quite a task, as camels drink an enormous amount of water. This act showed that Rebekah was gracious and kind, and a willing hard worker. She was even hospitable by inviting him to stay with her family. When she was told about Isaac, she was willing to return with this servant to become the wife of a man she had never met. No wonder Abraham’s servant worshipped the Lord and said, “Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master’s brethren” (Genesis 24:27). Even Rebekah’s family recognized that this was from the Lord and were willing to let Rebekah return with him (Genesis 24:50-51).
Isaac later followed his father’s example and told Jacob, his son, to go back to his own people to find a wife. He did not want Jacob to take a wife from the daughters of Canaan (Genesis 28:1-3). Laban, his father-in-law, was an idol worshipper and not a true worshipper of God; yet Abraham and Isaac desired that their sons find wives from their own people. Esau saw that the daughters of Canaan did not please his father, so he took a wife from the daughters of Ishmael, Abraham’s son, who was born to Hagar.
You can be assured that if you are concentrating on being obedient to the Lord in all areas of your life, that the Lord will give you and your parents or guardians guidance concerning the right man for you. The Lord will show you and everyone involved that this is clearly what the Lord has planned for you. You will have the blessing of your parents or guardians, and your spiritual leaders.
Remember why God made us? He made us for His glory and for His pleasure. May the Lord help you to patiently wait on His right time for the right one. May you bring much glory to Him as you wait, and as you develop a godly life-long relationship first with your Lord, and then with your future husband.
TIPS FOR COURTSHIP
I have four daughters, and the oldest is 20 years old. We have not walked the road of courtship yet as parents. Therefore, I do not feel fully adequate in giving you advice on how to go about courtship, but I can give you some helpful tips. My Pastor's wife, Mrs. Minnick, encourages mothers to “just train our daughters to be godly Christian women according to the Scripture, be much in prayer, and the Lord will provide and we will easily recognize His provision.”
Another dear friend of mine, who has walked the pathway of courtship with some of her children, shared some helpful advice with me. She encourages you as young ladies to obey your parents or guardians with the right attitude and not to be provoked to anger. Have a good relationship with your parents or guardian. If someone is interested in you, refer him to your father or guardian. Let your parents or guardian determine if he would be one that you can have a godly relationship with. It is also good for both your father and his father to talk together and to be in agreement on your relationship continuing. Both sets of parents or guardians should get to know one another and have a friendship with one another. If you are living in a place far from your parents, she suggests that your parents or guardian find someone else to help be their eyes for you to guide you in a courtship that your parents approve of. Keep the communication lines open with your parents.
Here are some other helpful tips and reminders:
1. Make sure he is saved, fully dedicated to the Lord, and has the same religious convictions, and not just pretending to be. “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers...” II Corinthians 6:14-16. “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Romans 12:1-2.
2. Is he what you have been praying for?
3. Once a young man has expressed an interest in you, tell your parents or guardian and have him speak with your parents or guardian himself.
4. Make sure your parents or guardian, whether they are saved or not, are in full approval of your courtship. If they express any doubt or disapproval, honor your parents wishes and discontinue the relationship. If God wants the relationship to be; then, in His perfect time, He will bless you with your parents’ approval.
5. If you do not have a parent or guardian to guide you, then seek out one of your spiritual leaders to act as your guide in courtship. You need to be accountable to someone. It is even better to be accountable to several people who are walking with the Lord, in addition to being accountable to your parents or guardian.
6. You and your parents should have time to observe him at church and other activities before agreeing on a courtship relationship. You should not accept a courtship relationship with a young man that you know nothing about. Watch how he responds to what is happening around him. For example, does he treat older people with respect? How does he react with children? Does he treat them kindly? Is he known for having a good testimony? Is he helpful? Is he growing in the Lord and eager to learn more of God’s Word?
7. Observe how the young man treats his mother and father or guardian. Does he treat them with respect and obedience? How he responds to them is an indication of how he will respond to the Lord, and how he will treat you.
8. Begin your courtship in your own home with your parents or guardian present. They will need to observe his character, as well as see how he treats you. One couple whom I know only courted in their parents’ and spiritual leaders’ homes until they were engaged. It was only after they were engaged that they began to be seen together in public, such as sitting together in church.
9. At first, meet together only occasionally and not regularly. As you see that he is a godly young man that desires to lead you in a closer walk with God, then gradually increase your times together.
10. Always have others around you for accountability.
11. Never slack in your walk with the Lord. You need His strength to develop a strong, godly relationship with a young man. Pray much before each visit with him. Ask God to be glorified in your time spent together and that you would not yield to temptation.
12. Keep your conversation friendly and casual with no bodily contact (I Corinthians 7:1). Bodily contact often leads to sexual sin.
13. Keep busy. Laziness and idleness can encourage sinful desires and thoughts. We are commanded to make no provision for the flesh to fulfill its lust, in Romans 13:14.
14. Don’t seek to draw him to love you by your dress and actions. Be very careful in your behavior and dress modestly, not exposing your flesh.
15. Plan now to run as Joseph did if the guy you are courting ever became forward with you or desired to touch you. He is not worthy of you if he desires to treat you this way.
16. Always keep Christ first in your life, and don’t let anyone else take that special place in your life (Matthew 6:33). Have Christ’s glory as your highest ambition (Jeremiah 9:23-24, Psalm 86:12).
17. Consistently spend time in God’s Word and prayer together. Study and memorize God’s Word together. If this young man is not interested in spending time together in God’s Word and prayer, then discontinue your relationship with him right away.
18. Find ways to serve the Lord together with the guidance of your pastor or spiritual leader.
19. Take time to get to know this young man. Don’t jump into an engagement too quickly.
20. Before accepting an engagement, be fully convinced in your mind that this is what God has planned for you. Your parents or guardian and spiritual leaders also need to be fully convinced that this is of God. One couple I know had a special meeting in which they shared with their family, friends, and spiritual leaders how God led them together. They did not want people to think that they were going to get married just because they liked each other.
21. After you have the full blessing of your parents or guardian and spiritual leaders, the engagement can take place. Begin planning your wedding in such a way that everything brings much glory to the Lord Who led you together.
22. Your engagement should not be too short as you both need time to get to know one another. At the same time it does not need to be so long that it becomes a temptation to sin. I would suggest no shorter than six months and maybe no longer than a year unless you are away from each other during your engagement.
In going through some notes from my mother, Arlene Cornelius, I found this wonderful explanation concerning courtship. “The main purpose in courtship is to achieve spiritual oneness. When this is achieved there will be a greater love for God, a new joy in the Scriptures, a new desire to share Christ with others, and a deepening fellowship with one another in these areas. A oneness of spirit is accomplished as both seek to get as close as they can to God in their own personal lives. As each one develops his spiritual responsibilities and opportunities, a deepening fellowship exists and a greater ability of communication with each other develops. “Spiritual oneness is destroyed when the purpose of getting together is not to encourage and help the other person in his spiritual development, but rather is on the level of physical involvement, a sense of guilt develops in a growing awareness that their desires are contrary to God’s desires. This also destroys communication between them.”
God bless you as you resolve in your heart to patiently wait on Him to place in your hands that precious carefully prepared and wrapped package of a lifelong companion. After all, we need time to be prepared to receive that precious gift. Obey the Lord even in the littlest things of life and in His right time you will both be ready for each other. Yet, also be content to remain “single-minded” that you may focus on caring for the things of the Lord as we read in I Corinthians 7:34.
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