Panel Discussion
Ladies participating in the panel are:
Mrs. Melanie N., Mrs. Johanna E., Mrs. Joan H.,
Mrs. Bonnie D., and Mrs. Rebekah E.
There are six questions in this panel.
1. In what area were you the least [and, or most] prepared to be a wife?
2. What would you have done differently [and, or what you did] as a single woman to prepare for this?
3. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage?
4. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?
5. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
6. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage?
(Questions taken with permission from Carolyn McCulley at http://solofemininity.blogs.com/)
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Panel Answers from Mrs. Melanie N.
Mrs. Melanie N. has been married to her husband for nine months.
She serves alongside her husband, who is a pastor.
She spends most of her time working in the church office, hosting guests in their home, and counseling ladies who have needs.
In addition to serving as the church secretary, she teaches some private flute lessons.
1. In what area were you the least [and, or most] prepared to be a wife?
I was prepared through the experiences and trials that the Lord had allowed me to go through while I was growing up. I discovered that none of them, no matter how painful, were "wasted.” Just to give you a few examples, the Lord used my fourteen previous moves to prepare me for the big move to the other side of the world, literally, as I was already somewhat used to adjusting to new homes, new people, and new cultures. These previous experiences helped me to adapt to marriage as well as a new home. Another preparation for me was having an unsaved father, which really helps me to empathize with and be able to counsel the teens and children here, most of whom have unsaved parents.
I was least prepared for the trials that immediately came after we were married and entered the ministry, and I wasn't quite prepared to support my husband through such tough times. In fact, we were faced with a very difficult situation only three days after we arrived in Singapore, and within the first month the missionary pastor's wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and I was really thrown into a new role as church secretary without even knowing simple things, like where to even find a pair of scissors. I did learn through this; however, and was often reminded by my husband that the Lord never calls us to a task without equipping and giving abundant grace. Some things you cannot prepare for, other than learning to walk with and depend on the Lord daily in small things that eventually lead to bigger things.
2. What would you have done differently [and, or what you did] as a single woman to prepare for this?
One of the most profitable things I did was to talk to a number of other pastors' wives (since I knew my husband was going to be a pastor) to hear from their experiences. I got a very different view from what I expected. One thing they shared that really changed my viewpoint, was that being a pastor's wife was one of the loneliest positions because of the need for confidentiality within the ministry. This prepared me somewhat for what I was about to face. In addition, the Lord really used my master's degree in Counseling to prepare me. The background in God's Word and in ministering to people's needs was invaluable. This applies not only to pastors' wives, but also to all ladies, as the Lord brings people into each of our lives, and we are responsible to prepare ourselves to exhort other believers. Of course, I still make many mistakes in my counseling and sometimes don't know what to say, but these classes gave me a good foundation as well as resources to which I could turn when I needed them. I do wish that I had faced each class (especially in undergrad years) with the question, "How might the Lord use this to prepare me for future ministry?" rather than just trying to make it from one quiz to the next.
3. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage?
My greatest desire is to DELIGHT in following and supporting my husband. The Bible commands submission for the wife, but there's a difference in submitting because it’s a command and in submission with a delight in the way God has wisely orchestrated the home to work. It's not always easy when, for example, my husband forgets to tell me about an appointment till a few minutes before we're supposed to be there, but the Lord uses these times to teach me the flexibility needed to follow him. In addition, being a helpmate includes faithfully praying for him and for his ministries. It also includes supporting my husband through trials--through encouraging words, through consistent prayer, and through keeping my own disposition sweet. It is very easy for a wife to become angry and defensive when she sees her husband suffering, but being that way only increases his burden. Lastly, being a helpmate involves communication--a lot of it. Men are not able to read hints well, so everything must be communicated very clearly, in the right timing, and in the right manner.
4. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?
I still need to learn self-discipline! I thought that my husband would make all the decisions and I would just happily follow his schedule and his budget, but I found that oftentimes he is not at home, and I'm still ultimately responsible to the Lord for how I use my time and resources.
5. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
I don't think single women should "pursue" marriage, but there are always things that can be done to prepare for it. First, a good preparation is to learn contentment in your role right now. I had always thought that I would be content as long as I had a husband, but that is not the case (even though I have a wonderful marriage). Contentment and satisfaction always come from a vibrant relationship with the Lord. Also, whether single or married, I'm responsible for the sphere of influence (my family, peers, younger women and children whose lives are touched by mine) in which the Lord places me. My mother had a big role in helping me prepare for marriage by teaching me homemaking skills and I'm thankful that I didn't have to learn all these things from scratch among the other adjustments of a new marriage and new home. Another good preparation is to learn to follow your parents' guidance with delight, and it will facilitate a smooth transition to following your husband (as I discussed under question #3).
6. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage?
I discovered that my husband is very focused. He only focuses on one thing at a time, unlike how I (and many other women) often jump from topic to topic in my thoughts and conversations. So if he's preparing a sermon or involved in some other intense activity, it's hard for him to think about other things, and I'm learning how to adjust to these small things and not be too much of a distraction from what the Lord has called him to do. I also feel like I really know my husband now and see a lot more of his true personality than when we were dating/engaged. Any character traits (whether positive or negative) seen in the person you are getting to know will only be magnified after you are married to him. I'm thankful that my husband has continued to demonstrate the same godliness (but in a greater way) throughout these eight months that we've been married.
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Panel Answers from Mrs. Johanna E.
Johanna has been married to her husband for a year and a half.
They are expecting their first child! Mrs. E. is working as a tutor
and is looking forward to being at home after her baby is born.
In her spare time, she enjoys reading and spending time with people.
1. In what area were you the least [and, or most] prepared to be a wife?
I was least prepared emotionally to leave family, friends, church, etc.
2. What would you have done differently [and, or what you did] as a single woman to prepare for this?
It would have been good to have a job already lined up in the city we were moving to. (Being busy gives you less time to be sad about leaving home.) It probably also would have helped if I had lived on my own for a while before getting married. Leaving the church I grew up in was even harder than leaving my family, though. I kept speaking truth to myself before and after the move and asking the Lord to be my portion.
(This isn’t really answering the question, but I want to encourage women who may be facing a similar situation.) There’s not anything easy about a transition like this, but the Lord has used it to bring about a lot of good in my heart. In our marriage, the Lord has given us a level of unity that we probably would not have had we remained in our hometown.
3. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage?
It’s always changing as my husband’s needs change. I’m learning that walking in the Spirit and relying on His guidance keeps me “in tune” with those changes. I pray this prayer written by Temple Gairdner quite a bit. (The author was a man, so I took the liberty of changing “her” to “him.”)
“That I may come near to him, draw me nearer to You than to him; that I may know him, make me to known You more than him; that I may love him with the perfect love of a perfectly whole heart, cause me to love You more than him and most of all.”
4. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?
How absolutely wonderful it is.
5. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
Keep learning to be content trusting, obeying, and knowing the Lord.
6. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage?
They really like having a helper.
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Panel Answers from Mrs. Rebekah E.
Mrs. Rebekah and her husband have been married for 24 years.
They have four girls. She loves assisting her husband as secretary
in his ministry through “The Bible Speaks” – a ministry of radio broadcasts and free Bible literature.
1. In what area were you the least [and, or most] prepared to be a wife?
Least prepared: Understanding how a man thinks - I just couldn't understand why he thought so far in advance and beyond our limited budget in his planning. For example: buy a larger home? I was very content in our little tiny three bedroom home with our 3 little girls, but he was looking way ahead in the future when his Mom would need help and may stay with us in her older years. I must admit that I followed him reluctantly on that one and the Lord made it plain to us both by "jumping" many impossible hurdles to get us into the home we are now living in and have been in for 16 years. (As a side note, the Lord never moved Mom Ekberg to stay with us, but we were able to house my parents when they were on furlough and have had many guests in our home.)
Most prepared: Not to brag, but the most I was prepared to be a good wife and mother was to have a consistent devotional life in God's Word and prayer. That is a must in all of our lives -- married or not -- to be able to respond as God would have us to in every different circumstance in life. Even in my busy college life, I was up at about 6 AM every morning spending time with the Lord. Also, growing up on the mission field taught me to be very flexible with my schedule which was another plus.
2. What would you have done differently [and, or what you did] as a single woman to prepare for this?
To better understand how a man thinks, I think it would have been beneficial to have maybe read a good wholesome book by a godly author that would have opened my understanding.
Be consistent with my devotional life NOW. It matters TODAY how I walk with God and meet with Him. What I do TODAY will affect how I am TOMORROW. How I obey and trust the Lord in the little things will enable me to obey Him and trust Him in the bigger things. I don't have to understand why He wants me to do such and such... just trust and obey!
3. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage?
Always be "at his service." When he is home be there for him, please him in everything --how he wants his clothes folded, what he wants to eat, what he wants to do, etc., and be with him as much as you can. Most of all, you will be the best helpmeet as you are rightly related to the Lord and spend the time needed in upholding him in prayer. Prayer is a vital ministry that you must have for him. Pray back Scripture on his behalf...I use passages like I Cor. 13 (the characteristics of love), Eph. 3:16-19, I Thess. 3:12-13, Phil 1:9-11, Col 1:9-12, II Thess. 1:11-12, Romans 12:9-21 (godly characteristics), and even the qualifications of an elder/ deacon as listed in I Tim. 3 and Titus 1.
4. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?
When he took off his socks, he left them inside out and put them in the dirty clothes. If I did not turn them back the right way, they would not get clean in the washing machine. I had to learn to turn those dirty, stinky socks "inside in" before I washed them. But you know what! When I talked to him about it he tried very hard to take them off so that they remained "inside in.” Also, he said that he did not like rice, yet I won him over on rice by cooking a Caribbean rice dish!
5. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
You can't spend enough time in developing a close relationship with the Lord. As you grow closer to the Lord and His Word, you will grow in learning how to love as God loves and you will find that you need the Lord as your best friend beside your earthly best friend (your husband) to confide in. There will be things that you can share with no one but the Lord... not even your husband.
6. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage?
I guess I answered some of that in the first question. I learned more how modesty in all women is so important to a man's thought life and that I needed to dress in a way that would not cause other men to lust after me even after I was married.
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Panel Answers from Mrs. Bonnie D.
Mrs. Bonnie D. and her husband have been married for almost 40 years.
She was a pastor’s wife for over 20 years. She teaches lady’s Sunday school classes. She has four children—two daughters who are married to pastors, one daughter who is serving as a short-term missionary, and a son who is a customer service representative. Mrs. D. has six grandchildren and enjoys crafts, sewing, and interior decorating when she has leisure time.
1. In what area were you the least [and, or most] prepared to be a wife? AND
2. What would you have done differently [and, or what you did] as a single woman to prepare for this?
The area that I was the most prepared to be a wife was food preparation. When I was a young child my father passed away, and my mother was left to raise my four brothers and myself. That put Mom in the full-time work force to provide for our family. Growing up I helped much in the kitchen and learned with ease how to prepare meals. By the time I got married (following college) I could go to the kitchen and make a balanced meal with ease. In my head I was familiar with terms like "sauté," "sear," and "double boiler.” I suggest that young ladies spend time studying and becoming comfortable with cooking, baking, and substituting ingredients. There will be times in your married life when you have forgotten to add an ingredient to your shopping list, and you may not be conveniently close to a grocery store so that you can run right out and buy that item. Know in your mind what vegetables go nicely with particular meats--for example, we like baked apples, applesauce, or even Waldorf salad with pork chops. We are very frugal with our spending; I had learned how to use leftovers. Casseroles are fun and can be prepared ahead of time. I work full-time, our parents live with us, and I am busy at our local church. Therefore, one habit I have is on Saturdays I prepare most of the dishes for three main meals--Saturday supper, Sunday dinner, as well as Monday supper. One of those meals will also be large enough to serve a second time. That way I will have something ready quickly in order for us to attend church on Wednesday evenings.
The one thing I was not prepared for was the importance of having a meal on the table when it is mealtime. I was familiar with the expression, "Feed the brute" but I did not realize the make-up of men is different from women in that respect. When my husband and I ride home from work together, utmost in his mind is FOOD; I may be thinking about something in the mail, my evening's activities, a phone call I need to make, etc. I had to learn that when a man is hungry, he has a difficult time being patient!
3. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage?
To our marriage, my being a "helpmate" means arranging myself under my hubby's program and using my time and strengths where he needs it most. For example, he teaches an adult Sunday school class but is not terribly fast or efficient when it comes to computer work. As soon as he has his teaching notes prepared, I can type them for him and prepare a handout sheet for the students. That pleases him and frees up valuable time for him to spend in study and prayer.
The Lord has a wonderful way of leading couples together who "fit together.” Personalities that compliment each other are wonderful! Another area in our marriage, which sticks out in my mind is in the realm of finances. Since my husband was in the senior pastorate for more than 20 years, we have lived on a limited budget. I love to browse, window shop, bargain hunt and take it as a challenge to stay within our budget. Along with that, I have a knack for arts and crafts, so I spend time as I can supplying my "gift shelves" to be prepared ahead of time with small hostess, birthday, or thinking-of-you gifts. Right now, I am preparing for four weddings, but we cannot afford expensive presents. Since I invested in a beautiful, used embroidery machine last year for 1/4 the cost (from Christmas money and a bonus from work), I am monogramming sets of pillowcases that I was able to buy on clearance. Do you see how I am using the talents God gave me? I am also saving money to please my husband.
4. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?
The greatest surprise to me after our marriage was that none of the "horror stories" I had heard came true. What I mean is that we were full of joy at every turn. Our schedules blended, we had such similar tastes, we were active together--played tennis, rode bikes, and since we never had more than one car, we always came and went together. My husband is reserved but attentive. I do more talking but have learned when to be a good listener. Even if another couple has marital difficulties, understand that with the Lord's guidance you can have a very rewarding relationship!
5. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
Single women should know first of all that their first love is the Lord Jesus Christ. They should take every opportunity to learn what they can about domestic duties because if they marry, they will need them. But if they never marry, they will probably live on their own and be a wonderful testimony as they conduct their affairs with grace and confidence. Young ladies should honor and respect their parents as a prerequisite to loving and submitting to a husband. Know that you are daily in God's perfect will--in your schooling, work position, etc. Another area that is vital is in childcare. If you have younger siblings, learn to love them, care for them, and experience those motherly instincts as you spend your energy lifting a load from your own mother.
6. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage?
See first answer.
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Panel Answers from Mrs. Joan H.
Mrs. Joan H. has been married to her husband for 62 years!
They are retired missionaries.
She and her husband served the Lord in the Philippines for 36 years.
Her main ministries now are intercession and discipleship. In her spare time, she loves to read.
1. In what area were you the least [and, or most] prepared to be a wife?
I was least prepared emotionally and best prepared spiritually.
2. What would you have done differently [and, or what you did] as a single woman to prepare for this?
Perhaps I would have waited a little longer to marry. I was 19 when I married.
3. What does being a helpmate look like in your marriage?
Genesis 2:18b, being a helper suitable for my husband and accepting his leading as God’s will for us.
4. What was the biggest surprise to you after marriage?
How wonderful a godly marriage is!
5. How do you think single woman should pursue/prepare for marriage?
Be all that God wants you to be spiritually and learn all the skills of homemaking that you can.
6. What is one thing about men you learned after marriage?
They deal more in facts, while we as woman tend to go more by our emotions.
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